That was the weeks that was.......

 

This is good. But is it Art?

 

                                             

I've been helping my old mate Art Garfunkel update and modernise his antiquated kitchenette. The wooden floor had dry rot, so we decided to rip it all out and replace it with a concrete floor. We were shovelling  all the concrete down for the floor, but unfortunately copious amounts of air pockets appeared in it and it was all uneven and skewiff. Luckily, Art had ordered many brand-new white goods items for the new kitchenette, so I ended up dragging one over the top to conceal the bumpy surface. Now, he's got a fridge over bubbled mortar.

While I was at Art’s council maisonette, who should pop in to help us mix the concrete, but my other bosom buddy and Art’s erstwhile partner Paul Simon. As we were shovelling the sand and cement into the mixer, I asked him: “Paul, just remind me, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” he replied: “Call me Al.” I sez: “Okay. Al, what was that massive hit you had back in the eighties?” Paul Simon helping us was a big mistake, because later on, we realised that the concrete floor had begun Slip, Sliding Away. I told him that the mix was three of sand and one of cement, but as all these pop icons seem to do, he insisted on a re-mix.

Veteran rocker Alan Price, formerly of The Animals sauntered in to assist with the project. He told me that he might be moving permanently to America. He’s going to relocate to New Orleans. Apparently, there is a house there. When he spotted the wonky concrete floor he started laughing and began singing: “This Is The House That Jack Built.”    .” I was unaware that Alan had brought Simon Smith and his Amazing Dancing Bear with him. The bear started tap-dancing on the wet concrete, leaving a trail of footprints and exacerbating the poor condition of the floor surface. Simon Smith enticed the bear out of the area with a piece of cheese. The cheese was Camembert. (Geddit?)

Mark Knopfler called in as well! He was carrying a large ornate picture frame and a bag of chips. Art Garfunkel asked him: "Where’ve you been all day?" Mark replies, "They asked me to open the new art museum and if I'd do it, they sez that I can have a rare French impressionist painting, then I called in the chippy on the way here." "How much cash did you spend today then?” Asked Paul Simon "Absolutely nowt!" exclaimed Mark, "They were all avid Dire Straits fans. I got the Monet for nothin' and the chips were free."

While we were buying the sand and cement in B & Q, we bumped into Bono from U2. He was wandering around aimlessly and appeared to be a tad disorientated. I asked him why he was going up and down every aisle and tut-tutting. He sez: “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For...”

Outside on the car park, there was an Abba tribute band playing. They were excessively loud. You could hear the drums from Nando’s. You can’t judge a book by it’s cover, but you certainly can with a tribute band. I often wonder if Steve and Dave had formed the band instead of Benny and Björn, would they have called it ASDA?

It was fantastic seeing all my old mates. All their respective songs are timeless and the music perennial. I just can’t get into the music of today. I’ve always thought that Arianna Grande was a font!

The missus sez she’s leaving me due to my obsession with the Pet Shop Boys. What have I? What have I? What have I done to deserve this?

Famous Quotes: “To be is to do”—Socrates. “To do is to be”—Jean-Paul Sartre. “Do be do be do”—Frank Sinatra.

Breaking News: Elton John has purchased a multi-gym and rowing machine for his miniature pet rabbit. It’s a little fit bunny…

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades Lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell putrid. In a statement she said: "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"

Gerry Marsden sang: “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” I’ve been to Liverpool quite a few times and I must say that it’s very good advice.

Fascinating Fact: If Celine Dion sang just the vowels in her name, it would be the chorus to Old McDonald Had A Farm…

Could all my readers who signed up for my yodelling lesson classes, please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.....

 I decided to download a sexy female voice onto my Sat-Nav to accompany me on the tedious journeys that I have to undertake, constantly criss-crossing the tarmacadam infrastructure of the UK motorway network. It was the worst thing I could have done.  I downloaded Bonnie Tyler.  Now it keeps telling me to “Turn Around.”  And every now and then, it falls apart, plus I got lost in France.

Next time you’re up Scropton Street back snicket, then pop into The Pitt Bull and Stanley-knife pub and raise a glass to cheating, stealing, fighting, drinking and internet surfing. If you cheat, may you cheat death; if you steal, may you steal a woman’s heart; if you fight, may you fight for a brother and if you drink, may you drink with me. If you go surfing, then visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest. Now get back to work!

                                          

Awareness Awareness Week....

 

                                                     

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. This accusation is patently absurd. Primarily because I didn't even know it was her birthday! She was also most upset because I don’t buy her flowers anymore. To be honest, I never knew that she sold flowers! Last year, she wanted me to take her to go and see Pirates of the Caribbean, but I got it all so very wrong. Dropping her off on the Somalian coastline wasn’t exactly what she anticipated. She also told me: “You can get me anything from The Body Shop.” So, I got her a front-nearside wing for a Ford Focus. Yes, you’ve guessed. It was the wrong colour!

                                            

I entered my local paper's pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Bored and want to alleviate the monotony of an otherwise dull day? Then annoy Specsavers staff by wandering up to their counter squinting your eyes whilst looking up behind them. When they ask if they can help you say: "Big Mac and fries please!"

Riddle me this: How come there's enough tarmac to make speed humps, but not enough to fill pot holes?

Non-Stick Nora advised Barmy Albert: "There are no such thing as problems, only opportunities.” Albert sez; "That's fantastic! Because this afternoon, I have a serious drinking opportunity." Barmy Albert was celebrating a bargain purchase that he'd made last week. He bought a 14lb lump hammer for £3.

                                               

The taxi driver spouted inane drivel from the moment he picked me up. A barrage of unrelenting addlepated blather assaulted my lugholes. He informed me: “I just love my job. I’m self-employed. I’m my own boss and nobody ever tells me what to do.” I said to him, “Next left here, mate.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer: “Listen, I’ll bung you a hundred quid, if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honour, cherish and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that bit out.” He passed the minister a roll of banknotes and walked away quite satisfied with his self. However, on the wedding day, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a cowardly voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the clergyman and exclaimed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a £100 into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

Because I don't know how to navigate the social networking platform known as X (Formerly Twitter) I now carry around a mega phone and announce what I’m doing at random times during each day. I have three followers so far and two of those are police officers.

The phone rang and it was one of those awful telesales folk, who always seem to call at the most inopportune times. I guessed that it would be for PPI insurance, but I was wrong. These wretched cold-callers have now leapt onto a different bandwagon, with a new concept to put the bite on unsuspecting recipients of their dreary sales banter. Apparently, industrial deafness is the latest ploy with which to harangue folk with. She asked me if I had ever worked in a noisy environment. I only got to say “Pardon” six times before she hung up!

I called the vet and told him: “The missus is dropping by this afternoon with our old cat. Can you euthanize her without any pain?” “Sure” he said, ‘but will your cat find the way back home alone?’”

The man who invented ‘auto correct’ died last week. His funfair will be healed on Sundial. I must confess that auto correct really gets on my nerves. It makes Hugh sail sum thong ewe diddly Nintendo…

Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware, then Awareness Awareness Week could be for you.



If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you’re mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma. If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                             

Too much information....

                                             

The missus was whinging about putting on so much weight recently, and I innocently sez: “Maybe you should eat a little less, darling" She took the huff and shouted, "What's THAT supposed to mean?" I looked at her and replied, "It's a pronoun used to indicate a thing, concept, person, condition, happening, chronology, or maybe a remark". That's when the fight started...

All these wretched potholes are driving me doo-lally. We used to drive on the left of the road, nowadays, we drive on what’s left of the road!

If you’re ever with me and someone comes up to us and starts talking and I fail to introduce you, it’s strictly because I cannot remember their name. So, please feel free to be astounding and introduce yourself, in order that I can then hear their name and pretend that I knew it all along. Isn’t life grand when you’re barmy!

                                 

  

Hypothetically, just imagine if we all existed in a world where all cars were electric vehicles, when suddenly, along comes a brand new invention called the "Internal Combustion Engine"! Think how well they would sell: A vehicle half the weight, half the price that will almost quarter the damage done to the road. A mode of transport that can be refuelled in one tenth of the time and has a range of up to four times the distance in all weather conditions. It does not rely on the environmentally damaging use of non-renewable rare earth elements to power it, and use far less steel and other materials. Just think how excited folk would be for such advanced technology, it would sell like hot cakes! Moreover, statistics now tell us that 88% of electric cars are still on the road. The other 12% actually made it home! Electric cars: A plan that dosen’t work to remedy a problem that dosen’t exist….

I fondly recollect going to Blackpool for our summer holidays in my dad's company vehicle. It took us over three weeks to get there. He was a milkman. His name was Ernie.

Barmy Albert was up Scropton Street languishing in his local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, when Non-Stick Nora asked him: "What would you like?" "What would I like?" He informed her: "An end to all this Rwanda gubbins, maybe a general election in May, get all these potholes mended. Perhaps, a nice Bank Holiday with some sunny weather, more money and for the cost of living to go down." "No!" exclaimed Nora patiently. "I meant what do you want?" "To win the Euro Millions lottery or for the mother-in-law to emigrate to a far pavilion and for the Tory government to become a distant memory!" "What's it to be?" exclaims Nora, less patiently. "Labour or Liberal Democrats, I really don't care." "You misinterpret what I am saying," sez Nora, now impatiently, "I only asked what you want to drink." "Oh," Albert opined, I see. Why didn't you say so? What have you got?" "Nothing at all," sez Nora. "I had a full medical last week and the doctor reckons that I'm perfectly healthy."

Two good deeds done yesterday. Firstly, I unplugged a row of electric cars that weren’t being used. Then in Lidl, an old lady at the checkout was in trouble. Her bill was £51-32 and after she’d counted out all her change, she only had £49-80. She didn’t want my assistance, bless her, but in just a couple of minutes, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

                             

  

In America, you can drive for over four hours and you’re still in the same part of the country, because it’s so vast. Whereas, in the United Kingdom, if you drive for two hours, the local accent has changed twice and bread rolls have a different name.

Different dialects are part of the UK’s identity. A Yorkshire bloke goes to the vet and sez: “I’d like to get me cat neutered.” The vet asks him: “Is it a Tom?” The bloke replies: “No. It’s here in this cardboard box….” The same Yorkshire fella goes into the jewellers and asks him: “Can thee make me a gold statue of me dog?” The jeweller sez: “Dust thy want it eighteen carat?” Fella replies: “No. I’ll avvit chewin’ a bone…”

On the same subject. Two Geordie blokes were talking. One sez: “Whenever I lift me arm up and sniff, it stinks of coconuts.” The other Geordie replied: “Why aye. It’s Bounty!

If you haven't accomplished anything so far in your life, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you. However, you should consider your past track record. I was a failure in the boom era, so I now find myself on the crest of a slump. Visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com Email me; comedianuk@sky.com. Now, get back to work!

                                            

The gender agenda bender....

                                       

This year, Easter has coincided with April Fool’s Day, so technically, you could hold an Easter egg hunt for the kids, who would be searching for chocolate eggs that you haven’t actually hidden! Barmy Albert has had double glazing installed, so that his grandchildren cannot hear the ice cream van! 

Many people cannot comprehend why UK oil reserves are rapidly diminishing and we have very little oil left. Let me explain. Our oil reserves are situated in the North Sea, whereas our dipsticks are all in Westminster. Now do you understand?



This dog goes into the Post Office and sez to the Postmaster behind the counter: "I’d like to send a telegram please". The Postmaster sez: "What message do you want to send?" The dog replies: "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof". The Post Office geezer sez: "For the same money, you can have an extra three ‘woof’s’ in the telegram" The dog replies: "That would be absurd. It wouldn’t make any sense then."



Non-Stick Nora goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the Nora examines the dishes. "I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the Non-Stick Nora. "Okay" replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!" Suddenly, as if in a surreal dream sequence, Ricky Gervais appears, dressed as a chef! He carries a large carving knife, the waiter instructs Ricky to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip. Ricky Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its little face. Ricky is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid. "Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Madam," says the waiter, "This is Hans, the pot washer. Hans, kill that squid!" The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry madam, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling. "Well sir," says the waiter, "It just goes to show. That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!" I'll get me hat and coat...


                                         

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its

recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

THIS GETS BETTER!)



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a much better model..

The women won. Allegedly!


                                                  

I hired a stretch limousine yesterday for the princely sum of £300. I have just discovered that it doesn’t come with a driver. I cannot believe that I have spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it….



I don't know how people get eaten by sharks. Don't they hear the music? Mind you, I read somewhere that the original victim in the Jaws movie suffered from terrible dandruff. Apparently, they found his Head and Shoulders on the beach! Maritime folklore advises us that in the event of a shark attack, you should poke the shark in the eyes and it will recoil instantly. I prefer to employ my already proven and successful form of defence, which is staying in Glossop….



While many complain about life in general and the cost of living, etc. I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-con unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000. Right now, I'm so happy, with no worries and not a care in the world. Not even the staff at John Lewis, who keep asking me to leave, can spoil my day.

This weekly humour column may contain egregious crapulous logorrhea coupled with copious amounts of discombobulated addlepated blather. This unique formation could tickle your guffaw glands and cause enhancement of your chuckle endorphins in the cranium area. In order to ascertain if this whimsical farrago might affect you personally, I strongly urge you to visit my website: www.ComedianUK.com You can email me too: comedianuk@sky.com. Now get back to work!

                               

Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime...

 

                                                          

The missus asked me: “How would you describe me?” I sez: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” She thought for a moment and replied: “What does that mean?” I told her: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fabulous, gorgeous and hot!” She sez: “Thank you. But what about I-J-K?” I replied: “I’m just kidding!” That’s when the fight started!

Eavesdropping is a wonderful pastime. In my local pub, The Pitt Bull & Stanley Knife, I overheard Barmy Albert and Non-Stick Nora’s conversations become increasingly surreal. She sez to him the other day: “I keep seeing spots before my eyes.” Albert asked her if she’d seen a doctor. She replied: “No. Only spots....” Then yesterday, Albert asked her if she liked Tolstoy. She wholeheartedly agreed that she did. When Albert pressed her on which story was her favourite, she curtly informed him: “The one where Woody is kidnapped and Buzz desperately tries to save him!”

When asked by a police traffic officer, "Do you know you were speeding?" Octogenarian Elsie Grabknuckle gave the young officer an ear-to-ear smile and stated: "Yes, but I had to get there, before I forgot where I was going." The officer put his ticket book away and bid her good day.

                                     

 

What a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. For several years, wealthy furniture manufacturer Chester Draws had been conducting a clandestine affair with a gorgeous Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation, business or his marriage, Chester paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide generous financial support until the kid turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin. One day, about eight months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Darling' she said, 'You received a very strange postcard today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card. His face turned ashen and he keeled over and fainted. On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.

 

A day is a long time, in the life of a comedian. For instance, the day before yesterday, I waved at this young lady outside Wetherspoons, because I thought she had waved at me. I then ascertained that she had actually waved to another bloke, who was behind me. In a futile attempt to escape from an embarrassing scenario, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to Terminal 2 at Manchester Airport. I am now in Japan, starting a new life....

                                 

 

I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers. He told me that after 25 years of manufacturing crisps, they are just about to finish the first sack of spuds they opened all those years ago.

A young lad goes to see the Careers Officer. Reckons he can’t decide what to do. Careers Officer enquires, "How old are you?" Lad sez, "Sixteen." Careers Officer says, "Why don’t you take a year off?" Lad replies, "Alright then, fifteen."

I asked an old bloke once what it was like to be old and to know the majority of his life was behind him. He told me that he had been the same age his entire life. He said the voice inside of his head had never aged. He has always just been the same boy. His mother's son. He had always wondered when he would grow up and be an old man. He said he watched his body age and his faculties dull but the person he is inside never got tired. Never aged. Never changed. Our spirits are eternal. Our souls are forever. The next time you encounter an elderly person, look at them and know they are still a child, just as you are still a child and children will always need love, attention and purpose. We should always respect older people, because they graduated from High School without the help of Google!

                                           

 

If you read this weekly column regularly, then you help to make unimportant world decisions dealing with irrelevant, uncomplicated issues that influence insignificant amounts of human lives. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

                                         

Austin Knight | Flickr

The Offside Rule Explained....

                                           

Barmy Albert was smoking a cheroot outside The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub, when Dastardly Derek, the landlord came out and curtly informed him that couldn’t smoke outside the premises, unless he was fifteen yards away from the building.  Albert told him that it didn’t apply to him.  The landlord asked Albert why he thought he was excluded from the laws of the land. Albert cheerily replied: “Because I’m drinking in the pub across the road.”

 

A bloke in a hot air balloon, realising he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted Non-Stick Nora coming out of Aldi below. He descended further and shouted to Nora: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."  Nora replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately thirty feet above the ground. You’re between The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife pub and north of Scropton Street abattoir." "You must be in Information technology."  said the balloonist.  "Actually, I am," replied Nora "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip."  Nora responded, "You must be a Tory politician." "Indeed, I am." replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"  "Well," sez Nora: "You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to the position you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my flippin’ fault!”  Moral of the story: Don’t mess with Non-Stick Nora because she’s awesome!

                                                     

The Offside Rule Explained for Ladies: You are in a shoe shop, penultimate in the queue for the cash register. Behind the shop assistant on display, is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you would absolutely die for! The young blonde shopper in front of you has seen them too, and is eyeing them with burning desire.   Both of you have forgotten your purses.   It would be totally rude to push in front of the blonde bimbo if you had no money to pay for the footwear.   The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.   Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your big dilemma. She prepares to throw her purse to you.   If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes.   At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, whilst it is in flight you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes, always remembering that until the purse had actually been thrown it would be just plain wrong to push in front of the other shopper.  Now do you understand?

I sheepishly approached a very beautiful woman in Tesco and said: "I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"  The woman looked perplexed "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman as gorgeous as you, the missus just seems to materialise out of nowhere"

 

 I like Aardvarks. Dogs look up to us; cats look down on us, however, Aardvarks treat us as equals. Aardvarks are cool.

 I have found marriage to be very educational. For instance, I had no idea there was a wrong way to put milk in the fridge.

Top Tip: When picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It was a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather.

A neurotic friend of mine left some emotional baggage on an aeroplane. It caused a massive insecurity alert…

I had to change a light bulb yesterday. A bit later on I crossed the road and walked into a pub. My life has become one big joke! For more BIG jokes, just visit my websitewww.ComedianUK.com or email me comedianuk@sky.com Now, get back to work!